Monday Is The Day!!

I have decided that I will begin the Medifast Diet on MONDAY!!

With a New Years Party for the kids to go to Friday, and the Bonfire we have planned for Saturday, I'm afraid I would just be setting myself up for Failure this weekend.   By Monday I will have my Box of Food, all the leftover goodies from the weekend can be gotten rid of, and it will be a fresh start.  PLUS, I really want to get my mom to Take my Measurements and do another "official" Weigh In on Monday, so I know EXACTLY where I am starting at on this plan.....

2011 Is   MY YEAR TO SHINE!!!!

Update -

My food is in, but I haven't been able to pick it up from my mom yet.  

I have been home sick with the Flu for a week. I'm still recovering. 

I have not been eating much lately, but over Christmas weekend I did not make the best choices on food.  I haven't been to the grocery store in a week and half.  So my husband went to town and picked up a Spicy Chicken sandwhich with Curly Fries from Jack In The Box.  It was SOOOOO good! I was STARVING!! LOL  I also ate a Taco Salad from Taco Delite, and had some of Spencer's Birthday cake a few times. Oh yes..... and I can not forget about the piece of Coconut Pie I ate Christmas Day. Yum!!

But I noticed today when I put on a pair of my "exercise pants" that they seem to fit better, so I must have lost some weight.  The pockets no longer bulge open, but lie pretty flat. Yay!! I have been really watching what I eat (minus this past week of course) for a little bit now, and I think it has been working. I will be picking up the Medifast food sometime this week once I am feeling better and able to go visit my mom to get it.  I'm really anxious now to get this diet underway. I want to see MORE results!! 

Me.....On a Diet

I've made the plunge.  I'm going on a strict diet.  I've already semi begun, but I dished out $100.00 on food items, and once they come in...... IT'S ON!

My mom went to work for Medifast.  She has lost over 70 pounds on their program, and I began a week and half ago doing a mock version of their diet using atkins protein bars, salads, and lean meats.  Mom can get their food items at a 75% discounted price, and can purchase up to $100.00 a month.  She explained that she would like to purchase some for her daughter, and her boss told her that was fine.  So, Mom will be my counselor,  I order my food through mom, pay her and she orders the food for me from Medifast.   It will take a week or so for the bars and such to come in, but once they do, I will begin the program.  

I can eat a combination of 5 bars/shakes/puddings/pancakes/oatmeals/etc. a day plus a lean and green meal.  I can also have 2 of their snacks such as pretzels that do not count as a meal if needed.  I will have to eat every 2 to 3 hours.  I'm hoping for quick results like mom had........  

I will blog about my experiences, openly and honestly, good and bad.  Maybe by blogging about my experiences, it will help me to stay on track as well.  Mom said the first 3 days are hard, but after that, the diet is fairly easy.

We shall see.......

Who Am I ???!!!!

It is official.

I no longer recognize who I am......who I am becoming.

I have always been the type of person to hang in the background, not seeking attention, not getting involved....  Just going through the motions of life.  

Something has changed.  I have changed.

I guess it began with Coaching Emily's Cheer Squad.  It wasn't something I elected to do on my own, but was volunteered into doing.  I thought several times of quitting, (chickening out) but was too timid to quit.

I am SO glad I didn't!! 

I still feel awkward at times, like at the game this past Saturday..... I felt as if all eyes were on me, and I really didn't have any business being there.  Especially when I got so hot I came very close to passing out.  I'm not sure that was due to my weight though... I think it was because I had been so sick the week before, and was still recovering. 

But now, other changes are happening.  I'm reaching out to people more, attempting to make new friends. I volunteered to be Room Mom for Emily's class, or to donate time to the classroom.  I don't know that I will be selected, but for me to volunteer shows how much I have changed.  I'm going to look into joining the PTA as well.  

These are all things  I wanted to do before, but never had the courage or gumption to pursue them.   Now I am........

I really don't know who I am becoming............ this is all new to me.

~But I like her! ~ 

If Only I Could Sweat It All Off....

I BURNED up at cheer practice today.  I got there early to video record Emily and one of the other coach's daughters doing a few cheers to put up on our website so some of the new girls can watch it at home to better learn the cheers.  

I feel like I sweated a gallon today.  I need one of those bras they advertise......"Friends don't let Friends have Booby Sweat...".  O.k. maybe the commercial isn't in those exact words, but you get the idea.  

As I stood out there in the blaring hot sun, sweating in places I shouldn't be sweating in, I thought to myself, if only that were the fat melting off me.  If only I could "sweat it off" I would stand out there all day.  Sure.....it's miserable, but wouldn't that be nice?

But alas....... I have to do it the hard way.  I have to actually work and sweat.  Sweating alone will not a skinny girl make.  

So.....tomorrow morning, bright and early I plan on getting up and doing cheer after cheer after cheer to get a good workout.  (I don't have an exercise video or routine to go by yet, and the cheers seem to work on my whole body).  

I guess it doesn't really matter what I'm doing......

so long as I keep MOVING. 

Sometimes You Just Have to Eat Cake

I have NOT been doing well this week.

My mom sent me home with her White Peach Home-made Ice Cream, and I can't stay out of it.  It is sooo freaking good! Not to mention all the left over Chocolate Birthday Cake from Lauren's party.

Food wise, I'm not doing too bad.  There is one small piece of cake left which the kids will devour today, and maybe 2 bowls of the Ice-Cream left.  Once that is gone,  it will be better.

I did some swimming this weekend, but not the workout kind of swim.  I haven't worked on any cheers in a while.  With all the kids here, it was impossible to.  But I need to start working on coming up with some more cheers, which will be a good workout.  It was last time.

I'm not beating myself up about eating cake and ice-cream.  Sometimes in life.....you just have to eat Birthday cake.....Enjoy a bowl of ice-cream now and then.

Just..... not everyday.

I LOATHE Public Pools

My husband wants to take the kids to the local public pool tomorrow.  He has taken them before and they had a blast.  It is great for the younger ones, because it has a Dragon Bridge they have to climb across, and it is has diving boards for the oldest kids.

He is wanting to take our 4 plus friends. It would be 8 kids in all.  With that many kids, he is going to need help.  Last time he took the kids I stayed home and worked on Cheer stuff. But I don't see myself getting out of this one.

I would really love to go.  It looked like a lot of fun.  But I LOATHE public pools.  I do not like getting out in my Bathing Suit in public places.  I have just started going into the lake.  Before I was always the idiotic woman at the lake, sitting in the lawn chair, in JEANS (because I do not wear shorts in public either) sweating rivers, watching everyone else have fun.

I made myself go into the water at the lake this year, because I reminded myself that it was for the kids.  They enjoy having me participate, and I think they feel bad when I sit out and just watch.  And let's face it..... the Lake area where we go, there is not a whole lot of bathing beauties strutting around with their perfect bodies in their skimpy bikinis.  Nearly everyone there has some weight/body issues happening... I just happen to be a little worse.

I found that once I focus on the kids, and push all thoughts of my looks, insecurities, etc. out of my mind, I have fun there!  Now if I could just do this at the public pool.  I have gone to a public pool before.  We went to Schlitterbahn 2 years ago, and I wore a bathing suit top and shorts over my bottoms.  I never quite got over my insecurities though.  I didn't get on a single ride.  I stayed with Emily in the kiddie pool the entire time, ensuring everyone that I was fine, and for them to go have fun.

Maybe if I had a better bathing suit it would help.  I need to get a new one, but to find a plus size bathing suit in my size that covers all the areas that I need it to, but still look decent is expensive.  And I just haven't had the money lately to go get another suit.  The bathing suit I have now is the boy type shorts on the bottom and then a halter type top.  But the top keeps riding up, showing my stomach, and I have to wear shorts to feel somewhat comfortable.

If we wind up going tomorrow, I will really really try to focus on the kids.  To keep telling myself "screw what others think" I'm not here to impress anyone.  I'm here for my kids, and that is all that matters....

I weigh WHAT?!!

My husband swears up and down I have lost weight.  He says he can really tell a difference, especially in my arms.  

I don't see it.   I look exactly the same as I did before.  I think.

But there is really no way to tell.   You see, I avoid scales like the plague.  When I go to the doctors office I turn my head so I can't see the numbers, and say a silent prayer that they don't announce my weight.  I guess they take the hint because most of the time, they don't. 

I own a scale.  It's still at the other house, waiting to be moved over to the new one, but even if it were here, I don't know if I have the courage to step on it.  

For years, I have watched the scale go up.  And up.  And up some more.  A few times in my adult life, I was able to see the scale go down, but it never lasts.  Twice I hit 200, and then sabotaged myself over the weekend. And then it steadily climbed back up.   Just once I would like the number to go below 200.  

I then went several years without weighing myself at all.  Ignorance, unfortunately is not bliss.  You can only ignore the numbers for so long before they slap you upside the head.  After several years of not knowing, when I found out just how much the scale had gone up, I was not prepared.  I was Shocked. Dumbfounded. Ashamed.

I have a long road ahead of me before I drop below 200.  

I think it's about time though, that I started that journey. 

Workout

I am so sore.  

Saturday I worked on Cheers all afternoon.  My husband took the kids to a waterpark and I stayed home.  I  practiced the cheer dance  I will have to teach our squad, and I also worked on making up movements to some of the chants.  

By that evening I was getting sore, and the next morning, I had sore muscles that I didn't know existed.  Who knew that it would be such a workout?  My legs, my butt, my stomache, my sides, and shoulders, and my arms are all feeling the burn.

Here it is 2 days later, and I am still feeling it.  That's good right? 

We plan on going swimming later, and then I have to coach cheer practice tonight.   I did not work on cheers yesterday, although I should have.  Apparently, the way my body feels, I need to work on them everyday. They seem to be great at working out all my muscles.  

Once again........ I am so happy for the changes that the decision to coach has brought out in me.  I am making new friends, I'm sharing something special with my daughter, I'm feeling better about myself, and I am definately up off the couch and more active now.  

And I'm loving every minute of it.  

Me - Dressed As A Stuffed Sausage

Yesterday's Cheer Practice went sooo much better!

I participated quite a bit more. E showed the girls (and other coaches) the cheer we made up, and everyone really liked it. (sigh of relief).

So......I had to teach it to everyone. It felt really good. We always face away from the parents, so I just kept my back to them, focused on what I was doing, and didn't allow myself to think about what anyone else might be thinking.

The girls were excited to learn the cheer, and those that had experience picked it up fairly quick. E was eating up the attention showing the other girls "our" cheer.

The practice session flew by, and I had a lot of fun. I didn't just stand around this time, and finally felt that I was really contributing to the team. I felt WONDERFUL and very proud of myself for overcoming my own inhibitions.......

And then a fellow coach brought out the Coach's shirts we had ordered. They are Women's Jersey style shirts with mesh at the bottom. I ordered the XXL, and just by looking at it, I knew it wouldn't fit. I felt the early stages of panic. I had ordered the largest size they had, and an XXL is usually what I wear.

I wasn't the only one that thought their shirt looked small which made me feel a little better.

I took the shirt home with me and into the kids bathroom to try it on. As soon as I got it over my head and my arms through, I knew it was going to be tight, but I thought maybe it will just be form fitting....

And form fitting it was!! So much so that I looked like a stuffed sausage. My arms refused to go down at my sides and instead poked out like the little brother dressed in all the coats on "A Christmas Story". (I will admit though, it made my boobs look awesome).

It was so tight, in fact, I had to get my oldest daughter to come in and help me out of it. (This of course after she, and her friend, finally stopped laughing and no longer threatened to take pictures of me.)

My good self vibes about myself quickly diminished. All other coaches said their shirts fit, but was very form fitting. I was hoping at least one other would not fit into theirs. I showed my husband the shirt and he said immediately there was no way that was an XXL. He asked if it was a child's shirt. My 15yr old son tried it on, and it fit him how I wanted it to fit me. Just slightly big.

I'm really hoping I'm not going to be the only Coach wearing a different shirt than the rest of them. I know they are all wanting to find something a little bit larger. I have no choice though.

Unless they want me to be the sideline comedy act.....

Am I Really Cut Out For This?

Yesterdays cheer practice went pretty well........ for the girls. Not so much for me.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel uncomfortable during the practice. In the beginning I was so excited, and I had so many plans and ideas of how it would go.......and lots of fears too.

The fears, unfortunately, proved to be more accurate than the plans and ideas. After most of the girls arrived, we got them together and had them start their stretches. 2 of the other 4 coaches were there (the fourth had not arrived yet) and both of them got on the ground with them to do their stretches.

I panicked. I honestly didn't know if I could even do the stretches... and I could just picture myself on the ground struggling to do them and then not being able to get up. Yet again, I was struck with just how much my weight hinders my everyday life. I can't sit comfortably on the ground due to a pain I get in my tailbone (I really need to get it checked out. Something is wrong, and I get sharp pains, and can feel what I am assuming are bones rubbing together). Not only that but my legs are too fat to sit Indian Style. I always have to stretch one leg out and only bend one leg at a time.

So instead, I went over and grabbed my notebook and shuffled through papers, pretending to be busy looking over notes and forms.

My next drawback came when we were instructing the girls on doing the cheers. We broke them into two groups. One group to assess which girl can do what...ex. backbends, forward rolls, cartwheels, roundoffs, splits, etc. And the other group we began teaching them cheers. I was with the "cheer" group.

All parents sat around watching, some sitting in the grass Indian Style, some in their chairs they brought, and I felt that all eyes were on me judging. I felt inadequate, and was too embarrassed and timid to help demonstrate the cheer. The other coach did not ask me to, but it would have been nice had I HELPED, instead of standing there like a bump on a log. I made a few comments such as wrong leg, turn the other way, etc.

Another problem I had was remembering girls names. My short term memory apparently is horrible. I seemed to be the only coach really struggling with keeping up with the new girls name. So when I wanted to make a correction or suggestion to help out, I couldn't remember the girl I needed to address to get her attention. Rather than saying "Hey! Girl in the green shorts...", I did nothing.

I know that it is my own inhibitions keeping me from doing this. But standing there, I imagined every one watching was wondering why in the world I was even selected as a coach. These thoughts increased my anxiety, and I began to feel like I had made a huge, horrible, disastrous mistake. What had I been thinking? What made me think I was cut out for this? That I could even contemplate that I COULD do this?

I'm sure I made an EXCELLENT impression on the other coaches.

After I got home I practiced the cheers we learned, and I'm going to have E teach me the other ones. I have seen them done before, but not ever being required to learn them, I didn't. I will work everyday on learning the cheers and moves. I'm sure I'll look hilarious out there doing the cheers with all my blubber, but I'm going to have to force myself not to think of that. To remind myself not to worry about what others think.

I may not look like a cheerleading coach, but I sure as hell am going to start acting like one....

Ready - Set - CHEER!

Tomorrow is the first day of Cheer Practice for this season, and my first practice as a Coach instead of sitting on the side watching.  I am both nervous and excited.  

I'm nervous about how the Parents will view me.  Will I be judged because of my size?  I know standing out there I will feel that all eyes are on me, and I usually try to avoid any kind of attention on myself.  

But I'm also really excited.  It is something I get to do with my daughter, and I get to be a part of something.  I feel like I'm finally getting off the sidelines and beginning to LIVE my life.  

I have a long way to go, and my eating hasn't improved much.  Still making poor choices at times, and not eating as often as I should.  Most days it is still just once a day, but I'm working on improving that.  I did buy several things of yogurt so that atleast I can eat yogurt for breakfast. 

I didn't buy any ice-cream at the grocery store, or any ingredients to make cookies.  We will be celebrating my oldest daughters 14th birthday this weekend.  I know I will eat cake and ice-cream, but not having it here during the week is a start.  

All in all I am feeling pretty good.  

and that is a rare thing.  It's amazing how much one incident can change my attitude.  I WANT to eat healthier now.  I WANT to get out and "move" more.  I WANT to do everything possible to get the scale to go down instead of up for a change.  

Even my "assertiveness" has changed.  When I got volunteered by a friend ("J") to coach, they had just found out they needed to add another coach because the squad would be split into two teams this year.  "J" and the two other coaches had coached together for 2 years previously and did not want to add another coach.  When they found out they had to, "J" volunteered me.  I think, knowing me, she thought I would just be a silent person to "help" and would not try to come in and make changes, etc.

Because of problems having the squad split was going to cause for competition "J" decided to drop out.  I met with the other two coaches and they both seemed genuinely pleased I was going to be coaching.  They asked if I could take charge of the 3rd grade squad for the games along with another assistant coach.  I agreed to. I was relieved to find that they asked my opinion on things, and listened to what I had to say.  

I was very nervous at first, because I have really never been one to take much initiative with anything.  I have always thought that someday "when I lose weight" it would be something I would like to do.  Since agreeing I have made several suggestions that they all liked and have implemented into the "Plan".   

I am not just a silent partner.  I'm actively involved, and it feels SO GOOD! 

I'm liking this new me so far.

Feel The Burn!!

Today I took the kids swimming at my mom's and my 13 year old and I "ran" laps around the pool. My legs and butt were BURNING! I'm sure I will be sore tomorrow. In addition to "running" laps around the pool, I also did a few swimming laps alternating between concentrating on using my legs and then my arms.

In the pool I can work past the initial burn. Why can't I do that at other times?

It's Official! I'm Going To Be A Cheer Coach This Year!

It's official now.....I'm going to be a Cheer Coach this year for my daughters squad!   I am so excited, but also really nervous.  I always imagined one day......when I have lost weight...... that I would like to be a coach, but I always felt my weight would be an issue.  My weight is always is an issue..... for me.
It's really not my weight holding me back. It's me.  
I entered the meeting tonight with the other coaches a little apprehensive on how they would feel about me coaching.  I was nominated by a coach that has since resigned, and I had not heard from the other two coaches.  But they were both really nice, asked for my thoughts and opinions, and seemed genuinely pleased that I was joining them.
I am hoping this will be just one more motivator for me to get busy and actively do something to get this weight off.   If all goes well this year, then I will definately put in to be a Coach next year.  I really don't want to be the "Fat Coach".

Wish me luck!! 

Block Party -

This past weekend I went to a Block Party that a friend was having.  Everyone went down to the community pool and swam with the children...... everyone that is, except me..  
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I sat out, not even wearing a swimsuit there, because I was too ashamed.  So I sat in a chair, in the shade, in my jeans and t-shirt watching all the others swim.  My husband encouraged me to go back home and grab my suit and swim with everyone, but I refused, insisting that NO ONE wanted to see me in a swimsuit.  
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I didn't want to be the one that everyone whispered about (not that they actually would have), but I just knew that if I went swimming, or had my swimsuit on, they would laugh, and point, and whisper...... So instead, I was the one everyone was looking at pointing to and probably whispering about  because  I am sure I seemed anti-social.
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And I was struck once again this weekend of how much I want to lose weight.  How much my weight has been hindering my life. How MUCH  I am missing out on because of MYSELF.   MY weight, MY insecurities, MY low self-esteem, MY issues.  
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I need to change........ I'm Ready for a change. 

Mirrors Never Lie

Mirrors Never Lie

I’m fat.....really fat.  Actually, I am morbidly obese.  I know this.... It is knowledge that I live with every day, and something that I can’t forget. I never realize just HOW fat I am though, until I catch a glimpse of my reflection at unexpected moments, or see a photograph of myself someone has taken.  I don’t even recognize the person I see anymore......

Everyday while brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, or fixing my hair, I see myself in the mirror.  But I have developed a habit of looking only at my eyes......only at my teeth.....only at my hair..... I don’t see the “big” picture. Literally.  I can sometimes fool myself into thinking I’m not THAT bad until I am caught off guard.  Mirrors never lie. It is only at random unexpected moments that I catch a true glimpse of myself..... in the television when the screen goes dark between commercials, walking down the mirror aisle at Walmart or Garden Ridge, or a photograph someone has managed to sneak of me or convinced me to pose for.  

And I’m ashamed

 I’m ashamed of my appearance, I’m ashamed of how much I have “let myself go”. I’m ashamed of who I have become. 

In high school I was always thin.  The beginning of my Senior year I weighed 109 lbs. soaking wet. I’ve never been a size 0 or 1, but I did stay within the size 3 to 5 range.  My weight has always been something I worried over, even when I was thin.  I use to study myself in the mirror, judging my body.  I always felt my thighs were too large, my arms not toned enough, my stomach not flat enough.... now I would give anything to look like that again. 

I can remember when I was in high school, it was almost a contest, who could eat less.  I would pick at my food, then claim to be stuffed. I even flirted with Bulimia, making myself throw up after eating a meal “because I ate too much”, though I never binged. I survived off one meal a day, and I usually didn’t eat much of whatever was being served.  Only occasionally, would I get seconds if it was something very tasty.  

At my Dad’s house there was no “snack foods”.  We drank Iced Tea or Water... no Soda’s.  I didn’t eat ice-cream, or candy, or chips.  There was no eating in between meals.  If you wanted breakfast, you had to wake up very early to get it, and I have never been an early riser. If I wanted any spending money for the weekends, I had to save my lunch money.  Lunches were $1.50 a day, and I was only given $5.00 a week. Once I started working, I no longer received lunch money.  At dinner, if you didn’t like what was being served..... too bad, you just hoped that something better would be served tomorrow.  

I got married at 18, shortly after I graduated.  My husband at the time grew up in a house that always had snacks and sweets....... ice cream, cookies, chips, soft drinks... and he expected it at our house as well.  Suddenly I was able to snack in between meals, I drank soda’s all the time, and I ate 3 meals a day.  Like a kid in the candy store, I tried everything we had, and loaded up on the “goodies” when getting groceries.  I think a large part of my snacking was because the marriage was very stressful.  We were both really young, and he still wanted to stay out all night with his friends until 4:00 in the morning.  I thought he should come home every night.  There were many sleepless nights, waiting for him.  Almost immediately I began to put on weight.

After six months of marriage I got pregnant with my first child.  When I went to my first Doctor’s visit I was shocked to realize I had put on 50 pounds in that first six months of marriage.  I gained another 25 pounds during my pregnancy, which resulted in a 75 pound weight gain within a year! After my first child was born, I just assumed the “baby weight” would fall off........ it didn’t.  23 months later my second child was born.  I only put on 30 pounds with her, but kept most of it after she was born.  A year later, my first husband left, and we divorced.  During the divorce I walked on the treadmill everyday, and really watched what I ate.  The pounds, however, stayed on.  It wasn’t until after I finally accepted that “this was happening” and that I wanted the divorce too, before I started to see results.  I lost 35 pounds fairly quickly after that.  

Being a single mother was stressful financially.  As the stress piled on, my weight loss slowed, then stopped.  I didn’t put on any extra weight, but I wasn’t losing it either.  A year after my divorce was final I met and married my husband now.  When I was pregnant with our son, once again I packed on the pounds...gaining 85 pounds! I kept it all.  When my fourth child was born, I gained very little during her pregnancy, and lost all the pounds I had gained with her, but I remained a size larger than before I had her.  I’ve been obese ever since.    

I started blogging this past year, and have really enjoyed it.  While I blog about many different topics, and am open in each one, I never blog about my weight gain, or struggle with obesity.  I am too ashamed.  I don’t want anyone I knew from school reading it, knowing I have done this to myself.  I am very careful not to post any pictures that really show my size on Facebook, and I am leery about letting others take a photo of me, so afraid it will be tagged on Facebook.  

I know there are thousands of stories just like mine out there, so I decided to create a new blog.  One just for my more private thoughts and issues.  One day I may have the courage to put it out there for all to see, but for now I will not broadcast it as I do my other blog.  I realize that anything published to the web is accessible, and I am risking having this blog read by someone I would have rather not known, but this is a journey that so many others are on, I can’t help but to share.....  I hope that through blogging I can help not only myself, but others as well.