He's CRAZY!!!

New Post on the Shrinking Jeans Blog!

Proof that my husband is absolutely CRAZY!!!!

To read it click HERE.

And don't forget to subscribe to my NEW Blog!
This one will not be active much longer....

Thank You!

New Blog Site

When I first started the Mirrors Never Lie blog, I was blogging only for myself.  I didn't think anyone would really ever see it.  Although it is out there on the web, I never dreamed it would actually be read.  It was a place I could come to write about my struggles with obesity, and served as a therapeutic measure of dealing with my lack of self worth and I hoped by writing about my feelings I could better cope with my eating problems.  And for a while the Blog did remain anonymous.

And then they came...

Sporadic readers from around the world, until my stats registered at least one visitor per day, but often many more.  And I began to get followers.  Not many.... but some.  I have another blog as well, one that is not anonymous, about my family and life.  However, my weight struggles are never mentioned.  But it was this blog, the anonymous one, that received the most views.  I realized then... maybe I'm not just blogging for myself.  Maybe I'm reaching people.... people that can relate to what I write.  People that are going through the same things that I am.   Maybe it helps them to read that they are not alone.  I know it helps me to know that I am not alone, that there are those that return to my blog over and over again, sharing this Journey with me. 

When I created the blog, there was not a lot of thought put into it.  My first post, self titled "Mirrors Never Lie" inspired this Blog's name.  I did not do any research, or put forth any thought in naming the blog, since it was just for myself.  Since it has been created, I've looked online and there are numerous references to Mirrors Never Lie, all relating to Anorexia. Since then, this blog has changed course just a little.  I still blog about my thoughts, feelings, and struggles, but I also blog about Products, Recipes and tips I have found helpful, as well as the diet program I am on.  I have thought often of changing the Blog name to one more relevant and finally created a new Blog yesterday titled Shrinking Jeans.  You can see the new Blog here.

If you have been following this Blog, or coming back to "check in" on my progress,  PLEASE subscribe to my new Blog Shrinking Jeans. 

I will keep this blog going for a while until the new Blog takes off. 

Thank you... everyone.  I love each and every one of you, and your support has been wonderful. 

Valentines Day

Valentines Day....... A day of Love, Devotion, and CHOCOLATE!

Every year for Valentines Day the kids always get loads of chocolate.  Between friends, relatives, and their class parties, it is like Halloween all over again.  This year was no exception. 

I thought Valentines Day would be harder for me.... diet wise. I haven't eaten any sweets in 7 weeks! Nearly 2 months!! And to make matters worse, I'm on my period.  A time when I am NOTORIOUS for eating an entire bag of candy.  Mostly Hershey Nuggets. YUM! 

I didn't figure I would be able to avoid the temptation of eating just one, teeny tiny piece of candy.  Especially if caramel or peanut butter is involved..... or Toffee.  I LOVE chocolate with toffee, caramel and/or peanut butter. 

Week 4 Weigh In

I lost 1.5 pounds this week, bringing my total loss so far to 17.5lbs.  

I was a tiny bit disappointed, but after worrying so much earlier today, I was just happy to have a loss this week!

Since this was the end of week 4 for me, we also did my measurements. I was pleasantly surprised!  I lost 20.5 inches overall.  I lost 4 inches just in my waist!! 

I also purchased a Wii Fit today so that I can start getting SOME exercise in. I am hoping this helps with my weight loss.  

I'm going to get my husband to take another full body shot, and continue taking pics every 4 weeks.  When I get enough courage I will post them on here...... maybe when I have lost a bit more. :-)

And It All Came Crashing Down.........

Friday evening we made a spur of the moment decision to go out of town. My husband's grandmother is in a nursing home, and has not been doing well. We have been meaning to go visit for a while, but have never had the opportunity. My husband got home after 6 on Friday, and after feeding him dinner, and getting ready to take my daughter to Basketball practice, I realized since he was not working this past weekend, it might be a good opportunity to go visit. He agreed.

I called the coach to let her know that my daughter would not be at practice that night, or the game on Saturday then started throwing clothes together for everyone. I gathered up all my Medifast food to bring with me determined that I would stay On Plan all weekend.

I LOATHE Public Pools

My husband wants to take the kids to the local public pool tomorrow.  He has taken them before and they had a blast.  It is great for the younger ones, because it has a Dragon Bridge they have to climb across, and it is has diving boards for the oldest kids.

He is wanting to take our 4 plus friends. It would be 8 kids in all.  With that many kids, he is going to need help.  Last time he took the kids I stayed home and worked on Cheer stuff. But I don't see myself getting out of this one.

I would really love to go.  It looked like a lot of fun.  But I LOATHE public pools.  I do not like getting out in my Bathing Suit in public places.  I have just started going into the lake.  Before I was always the idiotic woman at the lake, sitting in the lawn chair, in JEANS (because I do not wear shorts in public either) sweating rivers, watching everyone else have fun.

I made myself go into the water at the lake this year, because I reminded myself that it was for the kids.  They enjoy having me participate, and I think they feel bad when I sit out and just watch.  And let's face it..... the Lake area where we go, there is not a whole lot of bathing beauties strutting around with their perfect bodies in their skimpy bikinis.  Nearly everyone there has some weight/body issues happening... I just happen to be a little worse.

I found that once I focus on the kids, and push all thoughts of my looks, insecurities, etc. out of my mind, I have fun there!  Now if I could just do this at the public pool.  I have gone to a public pool before.  We went to Schlitterbahn 2 years ago, and I wore a bathing suit top and shorts over my bottoms.  I never quite got over my insecurities though.  I didn't get on a single ride.  I stayed with Emily in the kiddie pool the entire time, ensuring everyone that I was fine, and for them to go have fun.

Maybe if I had a better bathing suit it would help.  I need to get a new one, but to find a plus size bathing suit in my size that covers all the areas that I need it to, but still look decent is expensive.  And I just haven't had the money lately to go get another suit.  The bathing suit I have now is the boy type shorts on the bottom and then a halter type top.  But the top keeps riding up, showing my stomach, and I have to wear shorts to feel somewhat comfortable.

If we wind up going tomorrow, I will really really try to focus on the kids.  To keep telling myself "screw what others think" I'm not here to impress anyone.  I'm here for my kids, and that is all that matters....

I weigh WHAT?!!

My husband swears up and down I have lost weight.  He says he can really tell a difference, especially in my arms.  

I don't see it.   I look exactly the same as I did before.  I think.

But there is really no way to tell.   You see, I avoid scales like the plague.  When I go to the doctors office I turn my head so I can't see the numbers, and say a silent prayer that they don't announce my weight.  I guess they take the hint because most of the time, they don't. 

I own a scale.  It's still at the other house, waiting to be moved over to the new one, but even if it were here, I don't know if I have the courage to step on it.  

For years, I have watched the scale go up.  And up.  And up some more.  A few times in my adult life, I was able to see the scale go down, but it never lasts.  Twice I hit 200, and then sabotaged myself over the weekend. And then it steadily climbed back up.   Just once I would like the number to go below 200.  

I then went several years without weighing myself at all.  Ignorance, unfortunately is not bliss.  You can only ignore the numbers for so long before they slap you upside the head.  After several years of not knowing, when I found out just how much the scale had gone up, I was not prepared.  I was Shocked. Dumbfounded. Ashamed.

I have a long road ahead of me before I drop below 200.  

I think it's about time though, that I started that journey. 

Feel The Burn!!

Today I took the kids swimming at my mom's and my 13 year old and I "ran" laps around the pool. My legs and butt were BURNING! I'm sure I will be sore tomorrow. In addition to "running" laps around the pool, I also did a few swimming laps alternating between concentrating on using my legs and then my arms.

In the pool I can work past the initial burn. Why can't I do that at other times?

Block Party -

This past weekend I went to a Block Party that a friend was having.  Everyone went down to the community pool and swam with the children...... everyone that is, except me..  
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I sat out, not even wearing a swimsuit there, because I was too ashamed.  So I sat in a chair, in the shade, in my jeans and t-shirt watching all the others swim.  My husband encouraged me to go back home and grab my suit and swim with everyone, but I refused, insisting that NO ONE wanted to see me in a swimsuit.  
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I didn't want to be the one that everyone whispered about (not that they actually would have), but I just knew that if I went swimming, or had my swimsuit on, they would laugh, and point, and whisper...... So instead, I was the one everyone was looking at pointing to and probably whispering about  because  I am sure I seemed anti-social.
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And I was struck once again this weekend of how much I want to lose weight.  How much my weight has been hindering my life. How MUCH  I am missing out on because of MYSELF.   MY weight, MY insecurities, MY low self-esteem, MY issues.  
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I need to change........ I'm Ready for a change. 

Mirrors Never Lie

Mirrors Never Lie

I’m fat.....really fat.  Actually, I am morbidly obese.  I know this.... It is knowledge that I live with every day, and something that I can’t forget. I never realize just HOW fat I am though, until I catch a glimpse of my reflection at unexpected moments, or see a photograph of myself someone has taken.  I don’t even recognize the person I see anymore......

Everyday while brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, or fixing my hair, I see myself in the mirror.  But I have developed a habit of looking only at my eyes......only at my teeth.....only at my hair..... I don’t see the “big” picture. Literally.  I can sometimes fool myself into thinking I’m not THAT bad until I am caught off guard.  Mirrors never lie. It is only at random unexpected moments that I catch a true glimpse of myself..... in the television when the screen goes dark between commercials, walking down the mirror aisle at Walmart or Garden Ridge, or a photograph someone has managed to sneak of me or convinced me to pose for.  

And I’m ashamed

 I’m ashamed of my appearance, I’m ashamed of how much I have “let myself go”. I’m ashamed of who I have become. 

In high school I was always thin.  The beginning of my Senior year I weighed 109 lbs. soaking wet. I’ve never been a size 0 or 1, but I did stay within the size 3 to 5 range.  My weight has always been something I worried over, even when I was thin.  I use to study myself in the mirror, judging my body.  I always felt my thighs were too large, my arms not toned enough, my stomach not flat enough.... now I would give anything to look like that again. 

I can remember when I was in high school, it was almost a contest, who could eat less.  I would pick at my food, then claim to be stuffed. I even flirted with Bulimia, making myself throw up after eating a meal “because I ate too much”, though I never binged. I survived off one meal a day, and I usually didn’t eat much of whatever was being served.  Only occasionally, would I get seconds if it was something very tasty.  

At my Dad’s house there was no “snack foods”.  We drank Iced Tea or Water... no Soda’s.  I didn’t eat ice-cream, or candy, or chips.  There was no eating in between meals.  If you wanted breakfast, you had to wake up very early to get it, and I have never been an early riser. If I wanted any spending money for the weekends, I had to save my lunch money.  Lunches were $1.50 a day, and I was only given $5.00 a week. Once I started working, I no longer received lunch money.  At dinner, if you didn’t like what was being served..... too bad, you just hoped that something better would be served tomorrow.  

I got married at 18, shortly after I graduated.  My husband at the time grew up in a house that always had snacks and sweets....... ice cream, cookies, chips, soft drinks... and he expected it at our house as well.  Suddenly I was able to snack in between meals, I drank soda’s all the time, and I ate 3 meals a day.  Like a kid in the candy store, I tried everything we had, and loaded up on the “goodies” when getting groceries.  I think a large part of my snacking was because the marriage was very stressful.  We were both really young, and he still wanted to stay out all night with his friends until 4:00 in the morning.  I thought he should come home every night.  There were many sleepless nights, waiting for him.  Almost immediately I began to put on weight.

After six months of marriage I got pregnant with my first child.  When I went to my first Doctor’s visit I was shocked to realize I had put on 50 pounds in that first six months of marriage.  I gained another 25 pounds during my pregnancy, which resulted in a 75 pound weight gain within a year! After my first child was born, I just assumed the “baby weight” would fall off........ it didn’t.  23 months later my second child was born.  I only put on 30 pounds with her, but kept most of it after she was born.  A year later, my first husband left, and we divorced.  During the divorce I walked on the treadmill everyday, and really watched what I ate.  The pounds, however, stayed on.  It wasn’t until after I finally accepted that “this was happening” and that I wanted the divorce too, before I started to see results.  I lost 35 pounds fairly quickly after that.  

Being a single mother was stressful financially.  As the stress piled on, my weight loss slowed, then stopped.  I didn’t put on any extra weight, but I wasn’t losing it either.  A year after my divorce was final I met and married my husband now.  When I was pregnant with our son, once again I packed on the pounds...gaining 85 pounds! I kept it all.  When my fourth child was born, I gained very little during her pregnancy, and lost all the pounds I had gained with her, but I remained a size larger than before I had her.  I’ve been obese ever since.    

I started blogging this past year, and have really enjoyed it.  While I blog about many different topics, and am open in each one, I never blog about my weight gain, or struggle with obesity.  I am too ashamed.  I don’t want anyone I knew from school reading it, knowing I have done this to myself.  I am very careful not to post any pictures that really show my size on Facebook, and I am leery about letting others take a photo of me, so afraid it will be tagged on Facebook.  

I know there are thousands of stories just like mine out there, so I decided to create a new blog.  One just for my more private thoughts and issues.  One day I may have the courage to put it out there for all to see, but for now I will not broadcast it as I do my other blog.  I realize that anything published to the web is accessible, and I am risking having this blog read by someone I would have rather not known, but this is a journey that so many others are on, I can’t help but to share.....  I hope that through blogging I can help not only myself, but others as well.